Career Day/Script
is a normal day at the mall when Jonesy's voice suddenly comes blasting through the mall PA system. Jonesy: "Whip it up, whip it up, whip it up! Today's not boring, 'cause Jonesy's here to get you going!" Caitlin: shocked "Jonesy?" she accidentally squeezes a lemon half in her hand. The juice flies into one of her customer's eyes. Customer: "AAAAHHHH!!!" Caitlin: "Oh, sorry!" Jonesy: "A big shout out to all of Jonesy's mall-shopping, bag-toting, bargain-hunting peeps." wondering what's going on, pulls out her phone and accidentally slams the register shut on Kirsten's hand. Kirsten: "Ow!" Jonesy: "And to any hotties out there buying lingerie–" shocked, drops a pile of shoeboxes on a customer's foot and dials her phone as well. Jonesy: "–get your lovely selves up to the security office on level two. Jonesy'll give you his professional opinion." Wyatt: "Oh, no." realizes he's ruined his coffee. "Yow!" Jonesy: "That's right, it's time for a mall meltdown with the one and only Jonesmiester! Ha ha!" Jude runs straight into the security door. Jude: "Dude! It is you!" the door "I thought the announcer dude sounded human today." Jonesy: "Thanks, man." Jude: out some envelopes "Check it out, I got our aptitude tests back! Shall we round up the posse?" Jonesy: "Allow me dude." the mike "Nikki Wyatt Jen, get your butts to the lemon, the 'tude tests are in! And for the rest of you out there, listen up: here comes the bass now. Uh, uh." starts playing over the PA. To Jude "Let's bolt, man. I don't want to miss any lingerie fittings while I'm–gone?" stands framed in the doorway to the security office. He looks mad. Jonesy: "Uh-oh." Ron: Jonesy's face, hissing "Why are you polluting my office, scum?" Jonesy: "I'm on mike duty now, chief! Looks like we're neighbors!" chuckles nervously. Ron: hissing into Jonesy's face "Back away from the desk." steps aside. Ron grabs the radio and the microphone and puts them on a tiny chair and desk. Ron: "You work HERE! Everything outside this line is enemy territory!" ropes off Jonesy's area with yellow tape. "Capiche?" Jonesy: worried "But how am I supposed to go to the bathroom?" Ron: "You hold it! The mall PA system is not a toy! It could save your miserable life! You go tinkle pal, in your trousers." Jonesy: "Yes sir!" and Jude salute and swiftly exit the office. Jude: "That dude does not share well with others." Jonesy: "No kidding." Blonde Wave Girl: past with a friend "The lingerie fitting must be around here somewhere." and Jude stop what they're doing. Jonesy: "Oh yeah!" Jude: "Sweet." two hi-five and turn back to go to Jonesy's new place of employment. ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Career Day' ---- ''is serving a customer: a teenage boy. Caitlin: "Here." accidentally spills a blender full of lemonade onto him. "Oops! Let me squeeze you." boy grabs at his groin to protect it. "I mean, help you." runs away. "Come back! You can have this one for free!" Nikki: "Ah, another satisfied male customer." Wyatt: "Looks like you need these." puts the aptitude test results on the edge of the Big Squeeze. Caitlin slams her head into them. "Wow. You really did need them." paces until Jonesy and Jude arrive. Jen: "Where were you? You know how hard it was for me to get away from work?" Jonesy: "Hmm. Real hard, I'm guessing?" Jen: "Yes! I have five customers waiting, I'm on cash, and I'm supposed to restock the–" Jonesy: "Whoa whoa whoa. You need to work less." Jude: the subject "Your attention, dudes and dudettes! Today is a momentous occasion. I hold in my hands the results of our high school aptitude tests! It is my duty as the envelope dude–" Jen: "Tick tock, Jude." Jude: "Before we open these envelopes and learn what the multiple choice gods have chosen for us–" Jen: "That does it!" leaps on him, and the envelopes fall down in a mismatched pile. Jude: himself up "...bummer..." two errant tests into their envelopes "There you go, little dudes..." Jen: "Can we please have the results now?" hands over Jen's test. Jen: it "Please please please please please...yes! Two careers, both rock! Olympic snowboarder or running my own snowboard gear company." poorly "Say my name, say my name." Nikki: "Good thing you didn't say professional dancer." Wyatt: "Food critic. This is awesome! I get to eat anywhere I like and get someone else to pay the bill!" Jude: "Whoa, product spokesmodel! Sweet!" wondering "What's a product spokesmodel?" Caitlin: "You get to look pretty and tell everyone about how great your deodorant is!" Jude: "I'm down with that. I enjoy looking pretty and I'm a daily deodorant user." Jen: "What'd you get, Nikki?" opens her envelope, looks at her results, and gasps. Nikki: "Retail specialist?!?!?" Jen: to comfort her "It's okay. These tests aren't a hundred percent accurate." Wyatt: "Maybe it won't be so bad." Caitlin: "I'm gonna be a travel writer!" statement shocks Nikki out of her fears. Nikki: "W-what? Did someone say travel writer?" Jonesy: "Sorry Nikki, that's what Caitlin's gonna be." smiles. "You're still gonna be–" in "–a retail specialist." groans and slams her head onto the table. Wyatt: "Wow. That had to hurt." Nikki: her head "I feel nothing." slams her head down again. Caitlin: "I have never written anything! I don't even like English class that much." whimpers. "Those career people must see something in me that I don't." Nikki: "All I see is black. A long, black, hallway. Oh wait. There's a cliff." Jonesy: up "I'm outta here." Jen: "Aren't you gonna read yours?" Jonesy: "Why? So I can get depressed about some lousy office job? No thanks. Later!" tosses his envelope on the table as he walks away. It lands in front of Jen, who opens it. Jen: and then chuckling "Good call, Jonesy." Wyatt: over "This I've gotta see." Jude: reading it and chuckling "I'm gonna go back to work. Later." Jen: "Later." Caitlin: "Ooh, I can't wait to start writing my first article!" Wyatt: "Yep. Words are power. Check these out." hands her a sheet of paper. Caitlin: reading "The ambience at the Big Squeeze is passable. But the lemon smoothies are–lacking in character, considering the price point?" upset "That lemon smoothie was free!" Wyatt: "Oh yeah. Uh hey Jude, wait up!" runs after his friend. ---- is discussing things with a man who works at the movie theater. Wayne: "This DVD of The Ranch Hand's Revenge skipped, you say?" Usher: "Yeah, but it was only when the ranch hand was about to kill the bad guy. No biggie." Wayne: "No biggie?" himself up "You missed the pivotal scene! That's a complete travesty! If I were you I would demand free rentals for a year!" Usher: "You would?" Wayne: "Absolutely! You got hosed! Stand up for yourself, for Pete's sake! What are you, a little girl?" Usher: "O-okay. I demand free rentals for a year." Wayne: "Oh sure. Now you're outraged. Do you have any spine at all? You know what, you make me sad. You're banned from the store. Get out." Usher: "Uh, I–" Wayne: "Out." usher leaves, passing Jude and Wyatt on the way. Usher: "I'm being banned for not complaining." Jude: "That Wayne is one moody dude, dude." Wyatt: "No kidding! We've got to watch our step. If Wayne fires us, we're out of employment options." Starr: up "Hey Jude." Jude: "Hey!" Wyatt "Cover for me, bro." Wyatt: "Done." enters the store. "Hello?" sees Wayne seemingly in prayer to a statue holding a videotape. "Ahem?" Wayne: his prayer and turning around "Do you know who Oshataki Obligato is?" says nothing. "Course you don't. He's a legendary director. This is my shrine to him." Wyatt: "I see." Wayne: "That is a copy of his masterpiece, The 77th Samurai. It's very rare, I only watch it when things get totally twisted. Never touch it, unless I say so which I won't. If I die, burn it." Wyatt: "O–kay?" Wayne: "Be warned! I made the last fool who touched it swim with the fishes." Wyatt: gulping "You...whacked him?" Wayne: laughing "Oh, man. I just dunked him in the aquarium's goldfish pond. C'mon, let's get lattes. You look like you need one." exits the store and sniffs the air. "Ah. I love the smell of toddler puke and sawdust in the morning. Smells like...the food court. Board boy, you're in charge." Jude: "I won't let you down, boss." Wayne: "See that you don't. You two are still on double-secret probation." Starr: Wyatt and Wayne leave "So will you lend it to me?" Jude: "You gotta understand that Board Warriors 3 stays with me at all times, to protect me from wipeouts and vampires. But I can make you a copy." Starr: "Cool." [Starr kisses his cheek and blades off. Jude walks inside and picks up ''The 77th Samurai.]'' Jude: "Hello, tired old VHS tape. You're gonna make Starr one happy little lady." pops Wyatt's incredibly rare movie into the VCR. ---- Kristen: customers "Welcome to the Khaki Barn!" Clones pop up next to a despondent Nikki. Kirsten: "We heard the news!" Nikki: "What news?" Chrissy: "That you're going to be a retail specialist too!" Nikki: "Uh, too?" Kirsten: "That's what we all got on our aptitude tests!" Nikki: "No kidding." Kirsten: "Okay, we totally get it now. You've been in denial all this time, and that's why you were such a bi–" Chrissy: up "Big party pooper! But we're totally cool with you now. Sister." Nikki: "I am not your sister!" hangs one of their red T-shirts on her. "Ugh!" The Clones: cheering "Sisters, sisters, we are Khaki sisters! Ooh, ooh, ooh!" thunks her head for the third time today. ---- and Wyatt are arguing over coffee at Grind Me. Wyatt: "But the Stimu-latte is a way better morning brew! It ignites the pallet!" Wayne: "It's for sissies. Now the Chai Choco-Charmer starts your day on a low charge so you can arc to caffeine overload gradually." Wyatt: "Oh yeah? Well, you're looking at a future food critic!" Wayne: "I'm getting the impression that you want to get your butt fired." Wyatt: down "I'll, uh, get back to work now." Wayne: "Do that. I'll just hang here and finish my superior beverage." Wyatt: sighing "Whatever." grabs his coffee and leaves. ---- has just found out what Jude has done. Wyatt: panicking "What do you mean, you taped over the video on the statue?!? That is Wayne's favorite movie! He's gonna go postal! We need a plan!" Jude: "Right." Jude and Wyatt: "Hide." two dive behind the counter. ---- is leaning on a counter at the Penalty Box, staring dreamily into space. She sighs. Announcer: "And the gold medal is going to Jen Masterson of Canada." Canada" plays. Jen is dreaming of winning gold in the Winter Olympics someday. Penalty Box Customer: "Excuse me miss? Miss? Hello?" Dobbs walks past, and Nikki walks up to Jen. "Excuse me sir!" Charlie "Can someone help me? I'm in great need of help." Nikki: "This isn't the Jen Masterson super-focused salesperson I've come to know and be slightly freaked by." Jen: stretching "Y'know, Jonesy's got a point. Coach Halder's been working me way too hard." Nikki: "You're taking career advice from Jonesy now?" Jen: "Well, it's not like I'm gonna be a retail clerk forever." Nikki: "Thanks a lot." Halder comes up behind Jen and blows his whistle. Coach Halder: "Masterson! Bad posture. Ten minutes in the penalty box for slouching. Nobody likes a sloucher." heads off to take her penalty, and Nikki joins her in the box. Nikki: "I've sunk to a new low at the Barn. The Clones are trying to adopt me. Uch, it's gruesome." phone rings. Jen: "Hey Wyatt." whispering noise comes through the phone. "You did what?" Wyatt: whispering "We taped over Wayne's only copy of The 77th Samurai!" Jen: "What's the seventy-seventh samurai?" Wyatt: "Only Wayne's favorite movie of all time!" Nikki: in "And, arguably, one of cinema's finest moments." Wyatt: whispering "He's gonna kill us!" Jude: whispering "Or worse, he'll fire us!" Jen: "Just put some other tape in its place. I'll be right over." gets up and walks out on her penalty. Nikki: "Uh, Jen, your penalty's not over y–" realizing "What am I doing in here?" ---- and Wyatt are walking the floors at Underground. Jen walks in. Jen: "Yo. Okay, calm down, we'll think of something." Jude: "Awesome. This pacing is making me dizzy. And not a good dizzy." Wyatt: "There's a good dizzy?" Jude: chuckling "Doo-hoo-hood." Jen: "Wyatt, come with me. There must be another copy of that movie somewhere." ---- and Jen are checking Taj Mahome. Christo: "The 77th Samurai? Never heard of it. Which means it must suck!" and Wyatt growl and storm out. When we next see them, they're at the bookstore. Wyatt: Book Girl "What do you mean, you never heard of it? The 77th Samurai is one of cinema's finest moments!" Jen: him away "Come on." ---- and Wyatt end up at Grind Me, surfing the web on a laptop. Wyatt: "Look! The Samurai Fan Club has a list of copies!" Jen: "Ooh! There's one right here in the mall at–" Wyatt: shocked "Super Terrific Happy Sushi?" Coach Halder: "Masterson!" Halder is in the store. "Halftime coffee is over! Hup hup hup!" Wyatt: Halder leaves "Guess you better get back to work." Jen: "Nah. They'll survive without me." Wyatt: "Great. I'll tell Jude the good news." ---- is sitting in the security HQ. Jonesy: "I wonder how my old friends Christo and Blade are doing?" and Blade are at their jobs, trying to woo two girls. Christo: "So, who wants to see my advance preview screener of Starship to Mars?" Jonesy: the PA "Attention all people, there's an 80% off sale at Taj Mahome Video starting...now." and Christo gasp. "Get there while the going's hot, and leave with a trunkful of flicks! On sale!" trample as a rush builds towards the video store. Christo: what's about to happen "No!" ---- is angrily watching the Clones fold sweaters. Kirsten: "Let's have a meeting of all future Khaki retail specialists!" Nikki: "Uh, no." Caitlin: "Hey Nikki." lugging a suitcase behind her. "Do you know where the 40-pocket cargo pants are?" Nikki: "No. Do you know where my life went?" Caitlin: "Oh, still bummed about your aptitude test?" Nikki: "No, no. I love the sensation of being smothered by a large Khaki pillow. How's the writing going?" Caitlin: "Oh, I haven't written anything yet. But finding the right pair of cargos will totally get me in the mood." Nikki: sighing "Follow me." Caitlin: "Oh, and I need a terry hoodie." Nikki: "We've got some great ones in baby bl–" gasps. "AAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAA!!!" ---- is on the phone with Jonesy. Wyatt: "Good news. We found another copy of the movie!" looks outside, sees an angry Ron approaching, and gropes for his microphone. "Jonesy? You there?" Jonesy: the mike, nervous "Security, report to the first-aid tent on level one to patch up some victims of a Taj Mahome stampede?" angrily turns around and goes where he's told. Jonesy: confident "And to get you there is a sweet remix of one of Jonesy's favorites. Oh yeah." Wyatt: "You are so gonna get fired." ---- and Jen are at STHS. Hiro: "To borrow 77th Samurai, one must prove himself worthy. You must slay...bacteria!" Wyatt: "Um...how do we do that?" Hiro: "You come here on your backs and mop out fish locker!" Wyatt: "Uch!" takes her cell phone out and dials. Jen: "Jude. Get over here. Now." hangs up. "Okay. Mopping fish is way beyond the call of duty for this girl. Later." leaves. Jude runs up and skids to a halt by Wyatt. Wyatt: "Just in time for fish locker detail." Jude: "Huh?" holds up a mop and bucket. "Whoa. Love to, bro, but I've been thinking of myself as more of a spokesmodel dude these days?" Hiro: "Ah, spokesmodel!" yanks Jude away. Shortly thereafter, Jude is standing outside, wearing a giant plastic fish head. Jude: "Who's into raw fish?" shoots him with his ball gun. "Man, being a spokesfish sucks." Wyatt is practicing to become a food critic. Wyatt: "While the sushi is fresh, the presentation draws a certain flair." Hiro: "Ah, so!" starts drawing out his katana. "Doscribble, nos wet!" gasps, drops his notepad, and takes the mop and bucket. "Baka no teenager." ---- is at the Big Squeeze with Caitlin. Jen: "What have you written?" Caitlin: her pencil "Nothing. I'm drawing a total blank." sniffs the air. "What's that smell?" Wyatt: "Hey guys. What's up?" has arrived, fresh from fish locker detail. Jen: explaining "Wyatt's been on sushi duty." Caitlin: "Aw, ew! Back! Back!" backs away. "A little further!" Wyatt: calling "Can I borrow some lemons to get the stink off???" fly at him. Jen: Caitlin "Why don't you both try to do some writing?" Wyatt: himself with fruit "We can go hang out at a restaurant and hog a table all day!" Caitlin: "Okay. But only if you de-stink yourself first." ---- is writing Blade and Christo a citation when the PA system crackles. Jonesy: "Security, witnesses have spotted a kid peeing in the main fountain." trots off. "Security, please report to the food court for puke spillage." goes the other way. "Security, there's a couple making out in the photo booth." angrily goes to take care of it. ---- and Caitlin have chosen a booth at El Sporto's. Caitlin: "'Kay, I'm ready to write!" looks at the empty page and taps her pencil. As she grows more nervous and the writer's block feeds on itself, the tapping becomes more furious. Eventually, she gives up. Caitlin: "AAAAAHHHH!! I still can't think of anything to write about!" Wyatt: "It'll come. How's this? 'The soup is cafeteria quality, and the waitress has the charm of a linebacker with a groin injury.'" Caitlin: "Um..." points behind Wyatt. Wyatt: "Huh?" sees the waitress. "Oh. Hi?" waitress demonstrates that famous charm by throwing Wyatt out of the restaurant. Caitlin: out to him "Hey, I thought of something to write! I found the flow! Thanks Wyatt!" Wyatt: his arm "Flow is good. Fractures are bad." ---- the Khaki Barn, Nikki is staring blankly into space. Chrissy: a hand in front of her eyes "Nikki? Nikkster?" Kirsten: "She's definitely out of it. You said 'Nikkster' and she didn't belt you." is lost in a horrible daydream–perhaps a daymare. In it, they're all old and working at the Khaki Barn. Old Chrissy: "Even after forty years, I still love a good sweater sale, Nikkster!" Old Nikki: "Let's all get matching ones again!" old folks in her dream laugh and cough. Nikki fades back into reality. Chrissy: "Nikkster? Nikkikins? Nikk-a-rama-ding-dong?" Nikki: "AAAAAHHHH!!!" runs to the corner of the store and curls up in a ball by the changing rooms. Jen, having heard her scream, comes in and finds her. Jen: "Nikki? Are you all right?" Nikki: shaking "This can't be happening! How did I end up with retail specialist?" Jen: "There must have been a glitch in your aptitude test." gasps. "Jude!" remembers Jude putting the results back in the envelopes. "He must have switched yours and Caitlin's results! You should have gotten travel writer!" Nikki: with relief "That's it! Oh, oh thank you, thank you! Now, should I should I burst Caitlin's bubble first, or kill Jude? Decisions, decisions." ---- and Nikki walk into the food court and gasp. A Greeter God is being served by Caitlin, but Caitlin isn't even looking at him. Instead, she is making the drink blindly while writing ferociously. She hands over the drink, and the boy walks away, somewhat perturbed. Jen: "That totally hot guy just walked away with a lemonade! Unharmed!" Nikki: "She didn't even check out his butt!" Caitlin: to them "Hey guys! I finally got my writing game on! I'm doing a piece about my trip to Banff last summer!" and Nikki look at each other guiltily. Nikki: "Oh, we can't tell her about the mix-up." Jen: "Who knows? She might even be good at it." whistle blasts behind her. "GAH!" Coach Halder: angry "You're offside, Masterson! This is your fourth break this shift! You are–" Jen: "Finding my way back to work. Now. Sir." Coach Halder: aback "Ah. Right." Jen: "And then I'll tag all of the jockstraps for next week's sale!" Coach Halder: "Yeah! You do that." walks off. "Nice kid. Always working." Nikki: "Does this mean our afternoon movie plans are canceled?" Jen: "My big career is still a few years away. And I might need a reference. I should get back to work." walks away. Jonesy comes over the mall intercom once more. Jonesy: "The Jonesmiester is still accepting applications for the position of hot assistant female deejay." Nikki: "Some people should not be allowed to play with microphones." Jonesy: "Come on in, ladies, Jonesy is ready and waiting." Ron: "Son?" looks up. Ron is right next to him. Jonesy: "Uh oh." Ron: "You've cried wolf one too many times, maggot. You should be brought up on disorderly conduct charges. You're a disgrace to these barracks, soldier!" throws Jonesy out of the office. Jonesy: "Whoa!" Ron: "Dismissed!" walks over to his desk. Jonesy comes back, looks at where he used to work, and sniffles sadly. ---- enters Underground Video, arm in a sling. Wyatt: "Pass me the tape, Jude. I want to make sure it's in mint condition before we put it back on the shelf." Jude: "Uh..." Wyatt: worried "Jude? Where's the tape?" Jude: "I–" Starr: "Hey Jude! Thanks for the spare tape. I used it to make another copy of the movie." Jude and Wyatt: "AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!" Wayne: "What's with all the screaming, ladies?" Jude: "I won't lie to you, dude? I copied over your samurai tape. Twice." Wayne: "...I see. With what?" Jude: "Board Warriors 3?" Wayne: the bridge of his nose "Ugh. That is just sad." Wyatt: "Does–this–mean–we're fired?" Wayne: "Do you really think I'd be stupid enough to trust you two with my only copy of an Obligato? I have a moron-proof one at home. You know, since you're both on probation, I should downsize your pathetic butts right now. But, I have another punishment in mind." ---- is pushing Jude and Wyatt through the mall, keeping them moving where he wants them to go. Jude: whispering "Where is he taking us, bro?" Wyatt: whispering "He's going to make us swim with the fishes!" Jude: whispering "Whoa. He's gonna whack us?" Wyatt: whispering "No. But you better hope your fish suit floats!" Wayne: the air "What's that fish smell?" Wyatt: "Don't ask." ---- gang minus Jen are seated around the table. Jude and Wyatt are dripping. Jen runs up. Jen: "Caitlin. I need a lemon whip. Fast." Nikki: "Still clinging to that masochistic job of yours?" Jen: "So far. But Coach Halder is all over me like a rash. The Olympics are gonna have to wait." Wyatt: "Well I'm sticking to music from now on! The food critic business is too–ow." clutches his arm. Jude: "Ditto the spokesmodel gig. This outfit is giving me a scaly wedgie." Nikki: "How about you, Caitlin? Any luck with the writing?" Caitlin: "Actually, I loved my travel article so much I decided to hand it in instead of that Shakespeare essay." Jen: "What did Mr. Holmes do?" Caitlin: "He failed me. But, he did say my writing style was excellent!" Wyatt: "Way to go, girl!" winks at Nikki. Jonesy: "Well, I got canned from my announcer job. I'm gonna miss that one." Nikki: "Yep, things are back to normal. You've got no job, and I'm late for mine." Jen: "Aren't you even a little curious about your test results?" Jonesy: "Okay, since you want to spill so badly, lay it on me." Jen: "Sure, Mr. Floral Designer!" table chuckles. Jonesy: "Show me that!" Jen: away "See you later, flower man!" Jonesy: chase "Get back here, Masterson!" rest of the table laughs at this strange job for Jonesy. Category:Season 2